I don't think i am prone to depression or negativism though people have called me a optimistic pessismist (or was it the other way round?). The only time i have ever been clinically depressed was 2 years ago. I exhibited the usual symptoms (well, i ought to know since i studied it) but never to such an extend that i am not fully aware what i was doing (I was depressed not delusional). I could have killed myself but the fact is i did not and looking back, i don't think i would have ever done that to myself. I guess no matter how low i feel, i would never feel quite as low as what alot of other people go through. I am not saying that i know exactly how depressed people feel because i think everyone feel things differently and need help in different ways. But ultimately, i feel that people who are depressed (myself included) needs to be helped in whatever way in which they can be helped.

Society can be remarkably cruel in this day and age in the way it stereotype people who suffers from one mental incapacity (or do they think deficiency) or the other. I wish i could tell everyone to sod off because it was none of their business but then i would really be delusional if i think that would make a dent in their social facade. The only consolation which i tell myself and offer to others is that I, and many countless others, who are all part of the social fabric, don't give a damn if someone do seek professional help for whatever help they need and would never give them shit for doing so. The cons of that is of course, i am not any bigwig that can affect much change in general.

Hey... I think the sun is shining outside.
Shall we go out?

Well, i was sort of pondering about the meaning of life with a towel wrapped around my head when i realized that it is not doing much good... so decided to tease my cat, reply my smses, read Anna Karenina for the umpteen time and wait for the meaning of life to hit me whenever it is convenient.

In the meantime, happiness seems like it is here to stay for a bit so i will be contented with its company while it is here.

Hmm.

Life smells pretty good for the moment.

Smells? Ya.
*take a deep sniff*
Like freshly brewed coffee, toasted kaya bread, baby power, old books, clean sheets and the botanical garden after the rain.

I felt like i have lived a year in the span of a month.

I never though being 28 would be this tiring...

So it was...

She never thought she would enjoy going to a new junior college after the first 3 months. She knew in her heart she was a geek, despite all that she tried to do to appear... well, cool. She wanted a good start so she permed her hair for the first time when she was 16. A not-altogether successful attempt in her opinion because she promptly cut it off after a few weeks with the word "aunty" deeply imprinted in her mind. She made few friends because she felt awkward speaking to people she just knew. She has never been sociable or gregarious, even in the security of her old secondary school. She has the habit of walking to classes alone and sitting with the few people she knew well. She tried to follow what was taught but she never thought that it would be so tough, to be in one of few top JCs. She didn't think she would be able to cope. Eventually, she settled in and felt comfortable in her little circle, laughing aloud and trying to have "fun", as what teenagers her age were prone to do. She developed crushes on boys which were a whole new experience for her after her 4 years in a girls' school. She did the usual walk and glance routine for the boys she liked, her friends nudging and laughing at her sides. It wasn't meant to be anything serious because she knew she could never approach any of them nor did she believe for a second that they would be interested in her. That was how JC was supposed to be.

She met him in one of her classes. An unassuming sort of boy whom, though did not possess the hearttrob boy-band sort of cuteness, had great big eyes that sort of make one smile if they looked a little closer. She thought he was a geek, like her. He sat quietly most of the time with the other guys in class, tucked away in the corner where people would not notice. She didn't either, not in the beginning. Two people, tucked in their own worlds in the opposite ends of the classroom.

When did their line of vision cross, she did not remember. But she began to knew more of him, from his exhibitions and from what others said in passing. "Not quite like me then" she thought to herself. Yet he wanted to be her friend, that she remembered smilingly. She couldn't quite fathom why he would asked her out but he did. It was a time of 'first times' for both. She still could not believe how she almost shouted "just us?" when he asked her out that first time on the bus. It was a mistake and a movie she could never forget.

It was a movie and no more though they remained friends. For her birthday, he gave her an umbrella with happy birthday written in chinese on it. She laughed and laughed at the geekiness of it all yet she never stopped using it. For his birthday, she gave him a paper owl hanging ornament. She never knew what he thought. As days passed and amount of work grew, she continued being a nobody with her small circle of friends and trying to survive school while he continued to win prizes and write love poems.

It was, after all, a time for 'first times' for many.

At the risk of sounding really corny...

I really love him and have never stopped loving him, despite hating myself upon occasions that i do.

Ah well.

You silly bugger.

*smiles*

I love to drive.

There is this one stretch along the the ECP (from Changi towards the city) after the Tampines exit, where the trees along both side of the roads are particularly thick, which always makes me smile whenever i drive through it. There are days when i would deliberately drive through that stretch in one of my aimless "wanderings" late at night. I love it most near dawn or in the evening because it never fails to remind me of a mysterious forest from one of Grimm Brothers' faily tales. I usually feel calm as i watch a deep purple river flows through the top of my windscreen, broken only by thick dark green branches against the night skies. I cannot fully describe how it looks like on paper, i could only say that for the span of 30secs before that stretch of road ends, i could think of nothing else but the beauty of that road.

Well, regardless of what i said about the PB grade i got and how i feel about it, I think YOU deserve what they have given you. It doesn't matter why and amidst all the speculation, I for one would not think you stay because of money. Oh come on, it is not like they are giving you millions. *grins* Incidentally, i realized for other civil "servants" (i.e. teachers), a grade C in PA means 1 month bonus. So, take your PB and go be nice to your friends!

Caught Last Life in the Universe on Monday.

Another movie i thoroughly enjoyed for its cinematography and quirkiness. Was a little bit tired and feeling bogged down just before i watched it so left the movie with fewer than my usual rantings.

Some disjointed views...

I thought the movie ended rather optimistically and my heart actually lightened at the ending, despite the fact that the protaganist was sitting in his underwear, in a tiny interrogration cell with his hands cuffed and all his possessions laid out in a line before him. From the start, Kenji was a depressed and suicidal man, whom despite his can't-complain comfortable physical environment (e.g. steady job, nice apartment etc), continually seeked to end his life (which fortunately or unfortunately gets thwarted every single time at the most crucial moment). His inner consciousness was filled with negative images (usually with him dead). So despite all that he has going for him, he has no ability to feel anything other than emptiness. Yet at the end, he fell in love, stopped being totally anal and his last thoughts were strangely 'normal' images of the meeting the girl in japan and filled with hope and optimism. So even though he may be 'realistically' in a worse shape (possibly jailed) and almost definitely not be able to find the girl again, I felt that he has been liberated and i felt happy for him because i know with hope and the ability to feel, he would never try to kill himself again.

I think i would preferred to be free in my mind than to be free physically if i could only choose one.
When you are set free within your inner consciousness, it doesnt matter where you are, you will always be free.

For you (when listening gets too tough, and all you can do is read).

Perhaps to many i sounded harsh and cool.
But i assure you, you are worth more than you think you are.
Don't say sorry.
Don't say thank you.
Say that you will be ok.
No.
KNOW that you will be ok.
You are here for a reason, for you are part of the reason I am here too.
Never think that you shouldn't be.
Don't worry.
Don't worry about getting lost, for one of us will always find you.
Never assume for other people what they think and how they feel.
You are not them.
Never let them tell you that they know how you think and how you feel.
They are not you.
Listen because you want to.
You have to want it before you can have what it is that you want.
Don't give up on yourself... none of us have.
No one owes you anything and you don't owe anyone anything either.
Love yourself above all else... it is ok to be selfish too.
Take care of yourself... and also let yourself be taken care of.
Be good to yourself... and let others be good to you.
Don't judge yourself.
Ignore those who do.
Take a deep breathe.
It is only today that matters.

*hugz*

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Took out the Ki system thingy because:

a) its too long
b) everyone else's look exactly the same

Ah well... I think those by quizilla are at least nicer to look at and shorter to read, though are hardly informative.

He got himself a studio space with a couple of friends down in little india and we are in the process of "decorating" it (if you consider his plastic carrefore trolleys idea a decorating effort). I guess i have fantastical (is there such a word) ideas which he had to constantly pull me back into reality by reminding me it is a "work space". I guess functional is the key... but still, it doesn't hurt if we can make it look "nicer" right? Anyway, despite our "decorating differences" i pretty much enjoy going to ikea to bum around looking for impractical things. Last night got a work table (actually its a dining table) at the bargain corner for only $40, as well as a dark shower curtain for $15 (retail $25) for the window. I would have preferred something more "airy" than a plastic one. See how his mind work? Plastic trolleys and plastic curtains *shudder* perhaps we should have gone for a plastic "mod" look instead (yes yes yes, it is ONLY a work space). But he needed something that can totally block out the lights when he do his animations (but still cheap enough to afford). Yay! I can't wait for him to get started on his animations again. It is about time he get his butt cracking though i know it is hard to do so with a regular job teaching so many students. Hopefully with a real work space, he can get down to it again.

Well, tonight will go down to ikea again to buy the cushions and shelving units. I think the rest of the knick knacks i can supply from my house. Think i also have a chair unused lying around somewhere. Will also move my oil painting stuff there and get him to move his easel over when we move his computers so i can start painting again.

Its the holidays and been at work everyday typing and typing reports (with the occasional yahoo gaming). Ah well, at least the school is quiet and peaceful, can't say the same for next week when things kick back into the high gear once the kids come back. Supposed to rearrange my office but got stuck in the rut in the ideas department. Have absolutely no clue how should i rearrange the furniture. Some practical constraints needed to be worked out first, such as get a longer extension for the lan cable. Anyway, today i am on half-day off to run some errands (e.g. send car for servicing, buy batteries for my dad, go to ikea to buy some furniture) and all i want to do now is take a nap. That's how i feel on days that i am tired, it is like i have not shaken of the feeling of being enveloped within my cocoon of duvet and pillows. The touch of the bedsheet and duvet cover still lingers on my skin in an invisible cloud. I guess i am still half-asleep or half-awake, depending on how optimistic you are feeling right now.

I realized i am too responsive to the things around me and as i become older, the less able i am to mask my feelings. I am too sensitive. Too emotional. Too easily hurt. Though some may feel otherwise. It has become harder and harder to not let things affect me and i am really looking for a safe haven where i can just be free.

The 3 day staff retreat was a rollercoast ride for me and very very tiring. I went with pretty high expectations and was sent crashing to reality on the very first day after the ED's speech. But the good thing is, at the end of the retreat, i felt rejuvenated again and i sincerely believe there is a fighting chance for this organization to undergo necessary changes to become better. I am glad to have a chance to meet and talk to people i normally have no chance to meet. And i am especially touched by my principal's gestures to make me feel better after i shared with her my feelings after the first day. It was good to know that my committment and passion for my job has been taken seriously. The saving grace also came when the ED sat in in our department's discussion on the last day and i could see that she genuinely likes to resolve the current issues revolving around our organization. That dissipated my original disillusion that nothing will be done to invoke the necessary changes. Perhaps the best thing that came out of this retreat is knowing that there are no enemies except for those you made yourself. I think i am ready to tackle whatever that is necessary head on and feel comfortable in the department again.

On a personal level, i am very happy to made new friends (e.g. Fiona, the new OT) and get to know my "old" friends better. Angela has been a great roomie with her abundant packets of tea and milo. And i had a great night on sunday where a few teachers gathered in our room to play silly games and laughed our head off. I think nothing beats having a sense of belonging with the people you work with and enjoying what you do. I am quite ready to work towards a better organization because all these people (from ED to HOD to teachers to friends) matters to me A LOT. So i guess i am staying put here for a while more.

That said, I still wish you all the best IF you decide to go Pathlight but only if they can make you laugh like the way we do over here in RC. *smiles*

Its been a busy week at work, mainly trying to tackle million and one things at the same time because term is ending end of the week. There are teachers to see, parents to talk to and reports to complete. Deadlines are building up and projects to see through. That said, i am still having fun and feeling pretty charged up. There are things i want to see done and done well. Tomorrow is the staff retreat in JB and after the results of climate survey, it looks like it will be an interesting retreat. I guess along the way, the organization has gone off the path and lost its way and its people. But hopefully with this retreat, we can start off on the right foot again. This has been a great place to work for me, and i really hope that it will become a great place to work again. Well, i am optimistic and i know it sounds arrogant, but it has become sort of a personal mission for me to try to make that happen. I guess this place means more to me than i show it. *grins*

I am sorry that i am such a quarrelsome (well, you said opinionated) person and you have to put up with that sometimes.

But i am happier now more than ever because i know that even though we disagree or fight with each other, you will always support what i do and that i am not too proud to say "I am sorry" first. I have known that for a long time, i did not care less if i made you sad or angry but now i do care and that makes me happy.

A little topsy turvey i know but well... i think you understand what i am saying.

Welcome home darling.

Do you realized that i am just as you thought i am... a mermaid? *smiles*

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You're a mermaid. The stereotypical mermaid had a
long, fish-like tail that blended with the
human torso at the hips and almost white skin
with red hair or some off color like green or
blue. They were the most fantastic singers and
the siren type of mermaids would lure sailors
with their lovely lullaby into dangerous rocks.
They were mostly harmless and peacefull and
they were content to simply sit on the beach
combing their hair or in the water playing with
friends. They never wore clothes and were
always women. They were sweet and a little
deciteful at times. (please rate)


What Mystical Creature Are You? (Pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla


Yes yes.. A bit silly these quizzes.. but so addictive! :)

On my birthday, despite no one remembering it at work (well, except angela who already has given me a very nice present *thank you thank you*), i had a good time with him. We had dinner at Al Dente at the Esplanade which offered great views though the service could have been better. I enjoyed the tiramisu tremendously however. I wondered about when my present was going to appear but he kept saying that the dinner was the present. Ha! As if i was only 3 years old. Did he really think i would be fooled to think that my present was a compact swiss army knife he has given me a few days ago? *roll eyes* Actually i half suspected that he was going to "pop the question" and felt more than a little... anticipatory. Eventually, while trying to distract me with the view of the CBD across singapore river, he placed a ring box right infront of me. I didn't know to laugh, to cry or to be anxious. Well, maybe all three things happened. When asked if there was a condition attached to wearing the ring, the sweet boy said "Only if you agree to be my girlfriend forever". So there it is, a little diamond "be-my-girlfriend-forever-love-ring" , now on my third right finger. Afterwards, when asked why didn't he just asked me to marry him, he said he could not be sure if i would reject him. Till now, i am not so sure if i would have said "No" if he did "pop the question". But at least, as i have told him, i can haggle for a bigger ring the next time.

I guess a lot of people have been sort of wondering at my "turn-about" especially with my relationship. At one point, it almost seemed to be "off" when i asked for a 'break' in the beginning of the year to think through my relationship with him. He almost felt that it was the end too. But all i can say is that during the last 2 1/2 months, being more detached from the relationship, i have actually gain better perspective of it. I needed to know if i could spend the rest of my life with this person because at one point, it seemed too impossible because of all the baggages involved. And most of the time, i felt that it was either he was trying very hard to please me or vice versa. I felt drained and confused and very very irritable. In other words, i felt that the relationship was really going to self-detonate at some point. Being constantly together and "working at the problem" (i.e. the root of what had happened between us) only made one of us very tired and the other very insecure. I guess it became hard to tell where one problem start and next problem end. I really needed a time-out. I am thankful that he did give it to me despite his reservations and unhappiness. I know it wasn't easy for him to let go of me a little especially when his instinct was to hold on to me tighter when he sense that i was having problems with us.

In the 2 1/2 months, i have gone out with other friends, talked to them, learned new things, learned more about myself, taking some time off from thinking too much about our problems and just enjoying life, and it has helped me tremendously. I guess i would not have decided on carrying on if i did not have that space to breathe a little. In the span of that time, other friends ran into problems of their own, including one which landed in a similar situation that i was in 2 years ago. After trying to work out their problems, i realized that i am actually over my own baggage. Something i have not really realized while still in the relationship with him because of the intensity which we attempted to "solve" our problem. And when things really became edgy at work, the more i realized that i am more "stable" than i thought i was and calmer. When a friend narrated to me this example, "you can find yourself attracted to a million people for various reasons, but ultimately, the one you will be with for life, is the one you can see yourself going home to every single day", the first person i thought of was him. I truly truly feel like he is the person i can see myself going home to for the rest of my life for many many reasons, one of it being, despite knowing each other for 11 years, dating for almost 6 years and talking everyday, i am never ever bored talking to him. Ever. I don't think i will ever feel quite the same about any other person .

So at this point, i guess i only have one more thing to say...

Mr Wilkie Tan, do you think you can be there for me to go home to every single day for the rest of your life?

Nice things happened on my birthday.
On saturday the 28th of Feb, babes threw me a dinner party which she has prepared and i had an enjoyable time with her, akane and "mommy". Then it was me buying babes and sue teo chew porridge on sunday, another enjoyable evening.

And a great big thank you to my two adorable, suarve, gentlemanly, gracious, handsome, thoughtful, kind, cute, (Hmmm... should be enough already i think), BROTHERS for the lovely daisies they sent on my birthday.

I wish i could post the photo up like last year but i don't have digicam this time round, so sorry bros. But nevermind, i took a few shots on my phone. :D

*peer into mirror*

Strange, i don't feel significantly older.
Better still, i don't look significantly older.

*heh heh*

Ok Ok computer still not fixed!
Sorry to all that i have infected or tried to infect.
Am going to seek professional help.
:(